|
Lawyers
-
Blonde
&
Dumb
-
Got
to
be
Haitian
-
Bad
Dream
-
The
Parrot
-
Spaghetti
-
Long
Distance
-
Pakìn
-
|
|
Nosy
Son |
|
This
little
boy
wakes
up 3
nights
in a
row
when
he
hears
a
thumping
sound
coming
from
his
parents
bedroom.
Finally
one
morning
he
goes
to
his
mom
and
says,
"Mommy,
every
night
I
hear
you
and
daddy
making
noise
and
when
I
look
in
you're
bouncing
up
and
down
on
him".
His
mom
is
taken
by
surprise
and
says.
"Oh...
well
I'm
bouncing
on
his
stomach
because
he's
fat
and
that
makes
him
thin
again."
And
the
boy
says,
"That
won't
work."
His
mom
says,
"Why?".
The
boy
replies,
"Because
the
lady
next
door
comes
by
after
you
leave
each
day
and
blows
him
back
up!"
|
|
The
Pharmacist |
|
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for
the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack, he explains to the pharmacist
that he is expecting to have a big night with his girlfriend tonight.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The
boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy
is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy. Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."...
.. The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."...
|
|
10
years
alone |
|
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all
alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to
himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he
thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
"It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde
woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says,
"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten
years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket
on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?
"He replies, "Ten years!" She
reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and
gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's
fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that
runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has
it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me
that you've got golf clubs in there!"
|
|
Smart
little
Johnny |
|
A
new
teacher
was
trying
to
make
use
of
her
psychology
courses.
She
started
her
class
by
saying,
"Everyone
who
thinks
you're
stupid,
stand
up!"
After
a
few
seconds,
Little
Johnny
stood
up.
The
teacher
said,
"Do
you
think
you're
stupid,
Little
Johnny?"
"No,
ma'am,
but
I
hate
to
see
you
standing
there
all
by
yourself!" |
|
Horny
Detective |
A man suspected his wife of seeing another
man. So, he hired
a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and
report any activities that may develop.
A few days later, he received this report -- Most honorable sir:
You leave house -
He come house
I watch -
He and she leave house
I follow -
He and she get on train
I follow -
He and she go in hotel
I climb tree, look in window -
He kiss she -
She kiss he -
He strip she -
She strip he -
He play with she -
She play with he
I play with me
-Fall out of tree, not see |
|
Management
Balls |
|
When "Blue Collar"
workers get together, they talk about football.
When "Middle
Management" gets together, they talk about tennis.
When "Top
Management" gets together, they talk about golf
Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in
management, the smaller your balls |
|
Newlywed
Hillbilly |
A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to
get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before. So he calls up his dad and asks him, "what do I do first?"
His dad says, "take her clothes off and put her in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "she's naked and in bed what do I do now?"
His dad says, "take your clothes off and get in bed."
He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her what do I do now?"
His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she
pees!"
The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in
the toilet bowl what do I do now?" |
|
Made
for
a
Woman |
|
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in,
he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.'
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your
penis?'
The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any
of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't
serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called
Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the
bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer
asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud,
what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and
says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies,
'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!'
A
little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity
margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him
and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because quality is
Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?'
Even
more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a
name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my
penis is Secret.' Now give me my beer.' The bartender begins to pour the
customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why
secret?'
The customer says 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
|
|
Little
Johnny
(Again) |
Little
Johnny
sees
his
Daddy's
car
pass
the
playground
and
go
into
the
woods.
Curious,
he
follows
the
car
and
sees
Daddy
and
Aunt
Jane
in a
"Passionate
Embrace.
"Little
Johnny
finds
this
so
exciting
and
can
barely
contain
himself
as
he
runs
home
and
starts
to
tell
his
mother
excitedly,
"MOMMY,
MOMMY,
I
WAS
AT
THE
PLAYGROUND
AND
DADDY
AND...."
Mommy
tells
him
to
slow
down.
She
wants
to
hear
the
story.
So
Little
Johnny
tells
her.
"I
was
at
the
playground
and
I
saw
Daddy's
car
go
into
the
woods
with
Aunt
Jane.
I
went
back
to
look
and
he
was
giving
Aunt
Jane
a
big
kiss,
then
he
helped
her
take
off
her
shirt,
then
Aunt
Jane
helped
Daddy
take
his
pants
off,
then
Aunt
Jane
laid
down
on
the
seat,
then
Daddy...."
At
this
point,
Mommy
cut
him
off
and
said,
"Johnny,
this
is
such
an
interesting
story,
suppose
you
save
the
rest
of
it
for
supper
time.
I
want
to
see
the
look
on
Daddy's
face
when
you
tell
it
tonight."
At
the
dinner
table,
Mommy
asks
Little
Johnny
to
tell
his
story.
Johnny
starts
his
story,
describing
the
car
going
into
the
woods,
the
undressing,
laying
down
on
the
seat,
and
"....then
Daddy
and
Aunt
Jane
did
that
same
thing
Mommy
and
Uncle
Bill
used
to
do
when
Daddy
was
in
the
Navy." |
|
Lawyers |
|
A very successful lawyer parked his
brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door
on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911,
and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any
questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely
ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his
ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else."
"How can you say such a thing?"
asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that
your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer.
"Where's my Rolex? |
|
Blonde
&
Dumb |
On a plane bound for New York the flight
attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that
she moves to economy since she didn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and
I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to
speak to her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please
move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain
what he should do. The captain said,
"I' m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section
mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the
captain what he said to her. The
captain replied:
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to
New York." |
|
The
Husband
Store
(Go
to
top) |
|
A
store
that
sells
husbands
has
just
opened
in
New
York
City,
Where
a
woman
may
go
to
choose
a
husband.
Among
the
instructions
at
the
entrance
is a
description
of
how
the
store
operates.
You
may
visit
the
store
ONLY
ONCE!
There
are
six
floors
and
the
attributes
of
the
men
increase
as
the
shopper
ascends
the
flights.
There
is,
however,
a
catch
........
You
may
choose
any
man
from
a
particular
floor,
or
you
may
choose
to
go
up a
floor,
but
you
cannot
go
back
down
except
to
exit
the
building!
So,
a
woman
goes
to
the
Husband
Store
to
find
a
husband.
On
the
first
floor
the
sign
on
the
door
reads:
Floor
1 -
These
men
have
jobs
and
love
the
Lord.
The
second
floor
sign
reads:
Floor
2 -
These
men
have
jobs,
love
the
Lord,
and
love
kids.
The
third
floor
sign
reads:
Floor
3 -
These
men
have
jobs,
love
the
Lord,
love
kids,
and
are
extremely
good
looking.
'Wow,'
she
thinks,
but
feels
compelled
to
keep
going.
She
goes
to
the
fourth
floor
and
sign
reads:
Floor
4 -
These
men
have
jobs,
love
the
Lord,
love
kids,
and
are
drop-dead
good
looking
and
help
with
the
housework.
'Oh,
mercy
me!'
she
exclaims,
'I
can
hardly
stand
it!'
Still,
she
goes
to
the
fifth
floor
and
sign
reads:
Floor
5 -
These
men
have
jobs,
love
the
Lord,
love
kids,
are
drop-
dead
gorgeous,
help
with
the
housework,
and
have
a
strong
romantic
streak.
She
is
so
tempted
to
stay,
but
she
goes
to
the
sixth
floor
and
the
sign
reads:
Floor
6 -
You
are
visitor
4,363,012
to
this
floor.
There
are
no
men
on
this
floor.
This
floor
exists
solely
as
proof
that
women
are
impossible
to
please.
Thank
you
for
shopping
at
the
Husband
Store.
Watch
your
step
as
you
exit
the
building,
and
have
a
nice
day!
|
|
Got
to
be
Haitian
(Go
to
top) |
|
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a
haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: 'I am
Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning
when the Barber goes to
open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to
pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I
am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and
a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
A Haitian goes for a haircut and he also
goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Haitian is of course very happy and
leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to
open his shop, guess what he finds there:
A Dozen Haitians waiting for free haircut |
|
Bad
Dream
(Go
to
top) |
A guy's 10 year old son wakes up screaming one night so he
runs into the room wondering what's wrong. The son says "Daddy, I dreamed that
Grandma died". Daddy assures the son that grandma is just fine and goes back to bed,
The next morning, they hear that sure enough, Grandma died last night.
A week later, the son wakes up screaming again and like last time, Daddy comes running in
and asks what's wrong. The son says "Daddy, I dreamed that Grandpa died". Daddy
assures the son that grandpa is just fine and goes back to bed.
The next morning, Grandpa is dead as well. At this point, Father is starting to wonder.
A week later, son wakes up screaming so Daddy runs into the room wondering what's wrong.
The son says "Daddy, I dreamed that Daddy died". Daddy assures the son that he
is just fine and goes back to bed. Needless to say, Daddy is scared shitless. He doesn't
sleep at all that night, doesn't bother with any meals during the day because he is afraid
of food poisoning, walks to work so he doesn't risk being in a car accident and has a
really crappy day. When he comes home, his wife greets him and asks how his day went.
"I have had the worst day of my life", he replies.
She answers, "You think you've had a bad day? The milkman died on our front
steps this morning." |
|
The
Parrot
(Go
to
top) |
A
woman
was
thinking
about
finding
a
pet
to
help
keep
her
company
at
home.
She
decided
she
would
like
to
find
a
beautiful
parrot;
it
wouldn't
be
as
much
work
as a
dog,
and
it
would
be
fun
to
hear
it
speak.
She
went
to a
pet
shop
and
immediately
spotted
a
large,
beautiful
parrot.
She
went
to
the
owner
of
the
store
and
asked
how
much.
The
owner
said
it
was
$50.
Delighted
that
such
a
rare
looking
and
beautiful
bird
wasn't
more
expensive,
she
agreed
to
buy
it.
The
owner
looked
at
her
and
said,
"Look,
I
should
tell
you
first
that
this
bird
used
to
live
in a
whorehouse.
Sometimes
it
says
pretty
vulgar
stuff."The
woman
thought
about
this,
but
decided
she
had
to
have
the
bird.
She
said
she
would
buy
it
anyways.
The
petshop
owner
sold
her
the
bird
and
she
took
it
home.
She
hung
the
bird's
cage
up
in
her
living
room
and
waited
for
it
to
say
something.
The
bird
looked
around
the
room,
then
at
her,
and
said,
"New
house,
new
madam."The
woman
was
a
bit
shocked
at
the
implication,
but
then
thought,
"That's
not
so
bad."
A
couple
hours
later,
the
woman's
two
teenage
daughters
returned
from
school.
When
they
inspected
the
bird,
it
looked
at
them
and
said,
"New
house,
new
madam,
new
whores."
The
girls
and
the
woman
were
a
bit
offended
at
first,
but
then
began
to
laugh
about
the
situation.
A
couple
of
hours
later,
the
woman's
husband
came
home
from
work.
The
bird
looked
at
him
and
said,
"New
house,
new
madam,
new
whores;
same
old
faces.
Hi
George!"
|
|
Spaghetti
(Go
to
top) |
For
several
years,
a
married
man
was
having
an
affair
with
an
Italian
woman.
One
night,
she
confided
in
him
that
she
was
pregnant.
He
said
he
would
pay
her
a
large
sum
of
money
if
she
would
go
to
Italy
to
secretly
have
the
child.
If
she
stayed
in
Italy
to
raise
the
child,
he
would
also
provide
child
support
until
the
child
turned
18.
She
agreed,
but
asked
how
he
would
know
when
the
baby
was
born..
To
keep
it
discreet,
he
told
her
to
simply
mail
him
a
post
card,
and
write
'Spaghetti'
on
the
back.
He
would
then
arrange
for
the
child
support
payments
to
begin.
One
day,
about
9
months
later,
he
came
home
to
his
confused
wife.
'Honey,
she
said,
'you
received
a
very
strange
post
card
today.
'Oh,
just
give
it
to
me
and
I'll
explain
it
later,'
he
said.
The
wife
obeyed
and
watched
as
her
husband
read
the
card,
turned
white,
and
fainted.
On
the
card
was
written:
Spaghetti,
Spaghetti,
Spaghetti,
Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.
Three
with
meatballs,
two
without.
Send
extra
sauce.
xoxoxoxoxo,
Elsa
|
|
Long
Distance
Call
(Go
to
top) |
Trois
individus
de
nationalité
américaine,
britannique
et
haitienne
meurent
dans
un
accident
et
se
retrouvent
en
Enfer.
Après
quelques
temps,
l'Américain
désireux
de
savoir
si,
enfin,
Ben
Laden
a
été
attrapé,
sollicite
la
possibilité
de
passer
un
coup
de
fil
vers
l'Amérique..
Le
diable
accepte
et
lui
facture,
aussitôt
le
coup
de
fil
terminé,
les
trois
minutes
à 3
millions
de
dollars.
L'américain
sort
son
carnet
de
chèque
et
s'acquitte
de
sa
dette
sans
sourciller.
Le
britannique,
à
son
tour
sollicite
la
même
faveur
afin
de
s'enquérir
de
la
santé
de
la
Reine
Elisabeth...
Le
diable
accepte
et
lui
facture,
aussitôt
la
conversation
achevée,
les
trois
minutes
à 4
millions
de
dollars
que
notre
am
s'empresse
de
payer.
Ce
fut
enfin
au
tour
de
l'haitien.
Ce
dernier
hésitant
du
fait
de
la
faiblesse
de
ses
moyens,
se
décide
quand
même
à
demander
l'autorisation
d'appeler
en
Haiti
pour
avoir
des
nouvelles
de
l'ile.
Satan
accepte
et
là
commence
une
longue
conversation
téléphonique
au
cours
de
laquelle
l'Haitien
apprend
que
la
plupart
des
usines
et
hôtels
du
pays
ont
fermé,
que
les
hommes
meurent
rapidement
victimes
d'un
empoisonnement
massif
du
riz
qu'on
appel
clorox,
les
jeunes
sont
devenus
cameramen
ou
acteurs
à
cause
des
films
X
qu'ils
tournent
dans
leur
lycée,
les
grèves
sans
fin
sévissent
dans
tous
les
secteurs
etc...
La
conversation
s'achève
enfin
au
bout
de
trois
heures.
L'haitien
osant
à
peine
regarder
le
diable,
lui
demande
en
bégayant,
le
prix
de
la
communication.
Le
diable
tout
serein
répond
:
Oh,
pour
les
trois
heures
ça
fait
15
gourdes
Surpris,
l'haitien
demande
:
Mais
co...
co...
men...
men...comment
ça
se
fait
? Le
diable
lui
répond:
Et
bien,
de
l'Enfer
à
l'Enfer,
c'est
un
appel
local
!
|
|
Pakìn
(Go
to
top) |
|
Yon
ayisyen
tap
vire
ron
nan
yon
pakìn
sanke
li
pa
ka
jwen
yon
ti
plas
menm
poul
pake
machin
li.
Li
di:
-
Bondye
Papa,
ede’m.
Si’w
fè’m
jwen
yon
pakìn,
map
kite
bwè
kleren
e
map
pral
lanmès
chak
dimanch.
Li
poko
fi-n
pale,
yon
plas
parèt
chaaaaw!
Msye
di:
-
Bondye
ou
pa
bezwen
deranje’w,
men
jwen
yonn |
|
*
Why
sex
before
marriage
is
essential
(Video)
* |
|
