- Annoying Boy on Bus - Girl's Monkey - Lawyers - Blonde & Dumb - Got to be Haitian Bad Dream - The Parrot - Spaghetti - Long Distance - Pakìn - Didn't Feel a thing - Missing Cock - Demande d'augmentation - Carte d'identite

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

Girl's Monkey

A Girl realized that she had grown hair in between her legs.She got worried and asked her mother about it. Her mother calmly said:"that part where hair has grown is called Monkey and be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl was happy to know that.At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair".Her sister smiled and said:"That's nothing , mine is already eating bananas"
 

Carte d'identite

Une petite fille de 9 ans demande à sa maman :
- Quel âge as-tu, maman ? - Cela ne se demande pas ma chérie, lui répond sa mère.
- Combien tu mesures, maman ? - Cela n'est pas important ma chérie, reprend la mère.
- Maman, pourquoi toi et papa avez divorcé ? Redemande la petite fille. - Cela ne te regarde pas ma chérie, dit la mère en terminant la discussion.

La petite fille demanda à sa meilleure copine pourquoi les adultes ne parlent pas de ces choses-là.
Sa copine lui dit : C'est vraiment simple, toutes les réponses à nos questions sont sur leur carte d'identité.

Le lendemain la petite fille fouille dans le sac à mains de sa mère et trouve sa carte d'identité. Elle est ravie de voir que son amie disait vrai, toutes les réponses à ses questions s'y trouvent ! Elle court alors voir sa mère et lui dit :
- Maman, je sais ton âge. - Ah oui ? Et j'ai quel âge ?
- 36 ans. Et je sais combien tu mesures. - Ah oui ? Combien ?
- 1 mètre 70. Et je sais aussi pourquoi toi et papa avez divorcé.
- Ça, ça m'étonnerait vraiment !
- Tu as eu un F en sexe... et çà, c'est vraiment pas une bonne note

Demande d'augmentation

La Maîtresse de maison très énervée par cette requête lui demande:

- Et pourquoi Ti Marie... voulez-vous une augmentation? '
- Ti marie : 'Eh byen Madam, pou 3 rezon. La 1ère, mwen konn pase pi byen pase madanm.'
- Madame: 'Et qui vous a dit ça?
- Ti Marie : 'Mesye a wi, Madam'.
- Madame: 'Ohhhhhhhhhh!'
- Ti Marie: '2zyèm rezon madam: manje m kuit yo pi bon pase pa madanm yo.
- Madame bouleversée : 'Et qui dit que vous cuisinez mieux que moi?'
- Ti Marie : 'Mesye a wi, madanm.
- Madame: 'Ohhhhh………. Ohhhhh….. !'
- Ti Marie : '3 yèm rezon, madam : mwen konn fè bagay pi byen pase madanm.'
- Madame (hors d'elle): 'Et c'est Monsieur qui vous a dit que vous faites mieux l'amour que moi?'
- Ti Marie : 'Non, Madame. Se jeran-an, wi, Madam!'
 

The Missing Cock

 A Priest has a number of hens and one rooster. One Saturday he goes into the coop to get some eggs, and can't find the rooster....
 This bothers him because he knows that some people in the community engage in cock fighting and may have stolen the cock. The priest figures he can find the culprit at church the next day.

On Sunday, he gets up in the pulpit and says, 'All of you who have a cock, stand up'!
 ALL THE MEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

'No, no!' says the priest, 'I mean all of you who have seen a cock,  please stand up'.
ALL THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

No, no!', says the priest. 'I mean, all of you who have seen a cock  that doesn't belong to you, stand up'.
HALF OF THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

'No! You still don't understand. All of you who have seen my cock, stand up'.

ALL OF THE NUNS, HALF THE ALTAR BOYS, AND ONE GOAT STOOD UP..

Didnt Feel a Thing

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it.

They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.

Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman.

"You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Nosy Son

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"  

The Pharmacist

 A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.  The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack, he explains to the pharmacist that he is expecting to have a big night with his girlfriend tonight.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."... .. The boy turns, and whispers back,

"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."... 

10 years alone

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?
"He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Smart little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little  Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by  yourself!"

Horny Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that may develop.
A few days later, he received this report -- Most honorable sir:
You leave house - He come house
I watch - He and she leave house
I follow - He and she get on train
I follow - He and she go in hotel
I climb tree, look in window
- He kiss she - She kiss he
- He strip she - She strip he
- He play with she - She play with he
- I play with me -Fall out of tree, not see

Management Balls

When "Blue Collar" workers get together, they talk about football.
When "Middle Management" gets together, they talk about tennis.
When "Top Management" gets together, they talk about golf
Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls

Newlywed Hillbilly

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before. So he calls up his dad and asks him, "what do I do first?"
His dad says, "take her clothes off and put her in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "she's naked and in bed what do I do now?"
His dad says, "take your clothes off and get in bed."
He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her what do I do now?"
His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"

The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in
the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

Made for a Woman

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?'
The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly  replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!'
 A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because quality  is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?'
 Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is Secret.' Now give me my beer.' The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,  'Why secret?'

The customer says 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

Little Johnny (Again)

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace. "Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and ".
...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."

Lawyers

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.  The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.  His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?

Blonde & Dumb

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that
she moves to economy since she didn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I' m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her.  The captain replied:
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

The Husband Store  (Go to top)

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, Where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ........ You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Got to be Haitian   (Go to top)

One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

A Haitian goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Haitian is of course very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there:
A Dozen Haitians waiting for free haircut

Bad Dream   (Go to top)

A guy's 10 year old son wakes up screaming one night so he runs into the room wondering what's wrong. The son says "Daddy, I dreamed that Grandma died". Daddy assures the son that grandma is just fine and goes back to bed,
The next morning, they hear that sure enough, Grandma died last night.

A week later, the son wakes up screaming again and like last time, Daddy comes running in and asks what's wrong. The son says "Daddy, I dreamed that Grandpa died". Daddy assures the son that grandpa is just fine and goes back to bed.
The next morning, Grandpa is dead as well. At this point, Father is starting to wonder.

A week later, son wakes up screaming so Daddy runs into the room wondering what's wrong. The son says "Daddy, I dreamed that Daddy died". Daddy assures the son that he is just fine and goes back to bed. Needless to say, Daddy is scared shitless. He doesn't sleep at all that night, doesn't bother with any meals during the day because he is afraid of food poisoning, walks to work so he doesn't risk being in a car accident and has a really crappy day. When he comes home, his wife greets him and asks how his day went. "I have had the worst day of my life", he replies.

She answers, "You think you've had a bad day? The milkman died on our front steps this morning."

The Parrot   (Go to top)

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyways. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,

"New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
 

Spaghetti   (Go to top)

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. He said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today. 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
 xoxoxoxoxo, Elsa
 

Long Distance Call   (Go to top)

Trois individus de nationalité américaine, britannique et haitienne meurent dans un accident et se retrouvent en Enfer. Après quelques temps, l'Américain désireux de savoir si, enfin, Ben Laden a été attrapé, sollicite la possibilité de passer un coup de fil vers l'Amérique.. Le diable accepte et lui facture, aussitôt le coup de fil terminé, les trois minutes à 3 millions de dollars. L'américain sort son carnet de chèque et s'acquitte de sa dette sans sourciller.
Le britannique, à son tour sollicite la même faveur afin de s'enquérir de la santé de la Reine Elisabeth... Le diable accepte et lui facture, aussitôt la conversation achevée, les trois minutes à 4 millions de dollars que notre am s'empresse de payer.
Ce fut enfin au tour de l'haitien. Ce dernier hésitant du fait de la faiblesse de ses moyens, se décide quand même à demander l'autorisation d'appeler en Haiti pour avoir des nouvelles de l'ile. Satan accepte et là commence une longue conversation téléphonique au cours de laquelle l'Haitien apprend que la plupart des usines et hôtels du pays ont fermé, que les hommes meurent rapidement victimes d'un empoisonnement massif du riz qu'on appel clorox, les jeunes sont devenus cameramen ou acteurs à cause des films X qu'ils tournent dans leur lycée, les grèves sans fin sévissent dans tous les secteurs etc... La conversation s'achève enfin au bout de trois heures. L'haitien osant à peine regarder le diable, lui demande en bégayant, le prix de la communication. Le diable tout serein répond : Oh, pour les trois heures ça fait 15 gourdes
Surpris, l'haitien demande : Mais co... co... men... men...comment ça se fait ? Le diable lui répond:
Et bien, de l'Enfer à l'Enfer, c'est un appel local !
 

 Pakìn   (Go to top)

Yon ayisyen tap vire ron nan yon pakìn sanke li pa ka jwen yon ti plas menm poul pake machin li.
Li di: - Bondye Papa, ede’m. Si’w fè’m jwen yon pakìn, map kite bwè kleren e map pral lanmès chak dimanch.
Li poko fi-n pale, yon plas parèt chaaaaw!   Msye di: - Bondye ou pa bezwen deranje’w, men jwen yonn

* Why sex before marriage is essential (Video) *

 


 

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